Dealing with failures is an art, an attitude which is cultivated in childhood!
Success does not come at once. There is a huge trail of failures, some directly related, some indirectly related, which though we feel pulls us back, but in reality, just a message that cause-effect didn’t work that efficiently and if that’s improved, chances of success would become better. Or sometimes, the things just didn’t go in our favor in this try, so a next try would help us get closer.
A lot of us, even adults, lack that mental attitude, be it big failures or small failures. Our mental attitude is defined by the thoughts we have when we fail. And if these thoughts are corrected, our tendency to deal with any failure improves.
But to remember, all the wiring gets done in childhood, hence that’s the time when these thoughts are to be addressed.
What we parents can do at home!
Emphasize more on the ‘Process’, than the end ‘Goal’ to the child – Process over the Goal. This is to be put in the minds of children. Because if we emphasize the Goal, we will definitely become a victim of failures, as we are obsessed with it. But if we emphasize on the process, the inclination would be towards continuous improvement and retries. Children need to be educated & explained about this
Don’t put ‘expectations baggage’ on children – Sometimes, we parents have our own baggage which we impose on children. It can be our own unfulfilled dream which we ask children to become, or some imposed profession/expectation which might not be in line with the child’s natural orientation. When such baggage is put, the child does not do justice to the effort since it isn’t coming out of passion, but some forced obligation (which he/she may talk about, or just keep it inside). Let’s not put any baggage, since that’s going to fail and child will be left with a mark of failure in his/her head
Most of the time, actually it’s fear of people & society, rather than fear of failure – Yes, we fear what people or friends or relatives would think, rather than failure itself. And if we as parents also start talking about this external validation during our conversations with children when they fail, it will further societal pressure in his/her psychology. If a child fails, never say to them, ‘what would so and so person would say’. Rather tell the child not to bother about what anyone else out there would think, you continue improving, retrying and moving on. This thought process is very critical to develop in the child
Let’s not make failures a taboo. Have a culture to accept & even celebrate failures (where a child had put genuine attempts) – Sometimes, failures are seen as a taboo, a sin or a despicable event. No, it isn’t. Failures are just part of the process. Failures are steps towards success. If there had been an honest and genuine attempt by the child, any failure is not actually a failure. It’s one step closer to the destination. One learns, thinks, improves upon and again retries. That should be the narrative set from an early age. Motivate children to give genuine attempts, fail, retry & learn from attempts
Demotivate negative self talk in children when they fail. That’s poison – Sometimes children indulge into negative self-talk and curse themselves. Though that won’t be significantly visible to parents or child will not talk it out loudly, but we have to keep an eye about his/her reactions, and spend some time post any failure to counsel, reiterate that negative self talk does no good, it’s better to look for areas of improvement, the things that didn’t go in our favor, the controllable and uncontrollable in our hand, and accordingly execute, than doing self talk. We only have to demotivate such tendencies, because if unaddressed, will only amplify down the line
Address the Elephant in the house. Talk about failures. Expose kids to good examples and content – Let’s talk candidly about failures from an early age with the child and make him/her comfortable with the fact that it will happen, and it happened to the Greatest of the Greats. Quote examples, tell stories about their failures and struggles and not just their successes/achievements. Expose kids to content that teaches them failures are welcome and work in your way only since it asks you to further put desired effort, and ways that didn’t work and ways that can work. It’s all about experience. Do not let this topic go unaddressed. Otherwise child will be struggling in their own versions which might be far away from practicality and struggle
Motivate kids to work with passion and love – When we do things with love and passion, we like doing it and any failure does not bother or eat us up. We again retry automatically. Try to nourish this behavior that children do whatever they do or wish to do, should be with love, passion & honestly. This is indirect way of making child failure ready
Define the real meaning of Success to children. Anchor them to their own life journey rather than comparisons – Success isn’t mere self-glorification, or earning a lot of wealth, or getting to a position. This definition of success is wrong. These are by-products. These come on their own. The true definition of success is – willing to do what one wants to do and living a happy contented life. Educate with the real definition of success, otherwise there would be no end to comparisons. Also, it’s one’s own life journey so one should focus on that only, and not wasting time on comparing oneself with others journeys
Cultivate ‘Growth Mindset’ than ‘Fixed Mindset’ – Children should be pushed to have a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset. In a growth mindset, we tend to think about growth and eventually push ourselves further beyond. All growth happens against some resistance, so a right mindset can help deal with failures better, than a fixed mindset where we lock ourselves up in closed boxes. Talks, activities, and games can help in nurturing this mindset
Failures are inevitable. There isn’t any person who hasn’t failed. It’s all in the approach, in the mindset, and the good part is, we can cultivate it the way we want to!
